The following article was starting time published on January 23, 2008.

Honey Crucial Skills,

Someone stole money from me and I have a hunch information technology was a roommate. How would you arroyo this confrontation? Our relationship is neither strong nor bad, only fairly new.

I'grand not sure how to ask her without making her feel unsafe. And I definitely can't imagine her maxim "yes" fifty-fifty if she really did have the money. What should I say?

Signed,
Baffled

Dear Baffled,

I understand with your situation. Something bad has happened. Yous can't generate any plausible caption other than theft. And yet, it's hard to run into this new roommate as a thief.

One of the hardest times to motivate yourself to speak upwards is when you aren't whipped-upwards in righteous indignation. Yous dubiousness yourself and you don't want to cause hurting to a potentially innocent person. On the other manus, this is also the best time to speak up because you lot are in exactly the right frame of listen for real dialogue. You're humble enough to be incorrect and caring enough to worry about the bear upon of your approach.

Of course, what you do depends upon the strength of the story you lot're currently telling yourself. And so I'll offering some communication for iii scenarios. You choose which fits:

1. No testify. The just reason you're fifty-fifty thinking your roommate may have taken your money is by process of elimination. In other words, yous don't recollect she stole it but you lot can't think of any other caption.

In this circumstance you should bring upwardly the missing money. Share the facts—non your story (that you wonder if your roommate stole it). If your roommate had null to do with information technology, this will help involve her in the search or alert her to bug that could proceed to plague both of you. Simply say something similar, "Last night, I had two $100 bills in my purse. I left information technology in the kitchen and this morning time they were gone. Have you had annihilation come upwardly missing recently?" If your roommate was involved, this conversation will either put her on notice that you lot're aware of something fishy or lay the groundwork for a future, more direct, conversation. But, I don't recommend this very vague arroyo if you have more reason to suspect your roommate.

2. A petty more than evidence but a lot of fear. Y'all accept a number of reasons to suspect her (due east.g., she had two $100 bills when you went out to eat last night) just have reasons to believe a conversation would do more harm than practiced (she has a hot temper and carries a Taser).

In this situation, you've concluded that the potential upside of a chat is not worth the downside risk of conflict. The big mistake people brand in this situation is indecision. They waste time feeling resentful well-nigh reality rather than simply accepting their ain assessment and making a hard choice to either a) adapt to the insecure environment by securing your valuables; or b) motility. Get over it—if you've decided yous aren't going to speak up, accept responsibleness for that pick and determine how you'll deal with the hereafter.

3. A little more evidence but nothing to lose. You have a number of reasons to doubtable her and nix to lose by trying the chat. The worst that can happen is that she denies it, resents you, and you move out. The only divergence from the second choice is that you've opened up the possibility for her to admit her actions and for you to come up to some resolve. Here are some ideas for belongings the chat.

  • Don't open your oral fissure until you've committed to Plan B. Decide what you'll do if either she denies it and you're still suspicious or she denies it and the relationship sours. If you're prepared for this eventuality, y'all'll experience a flake less stress in the chat.
  • Brainstorm with a sincere and emphatic apology. "I accept a concern and I feel terrible about even bringing it up. Only I know if I don't, information technology volition nag and bug me and go in the way of our human relationship. May I talk with you about it?"
  • Take her advisedly downwardly your path to activity. Carefully and not-judgmentally share your data. Have all the time you demand and don't skip any chemical element of what feeds your business organization. Then, very tentatively, share your conclusion. "The other night I had ii $100 bills in my purse when I left information technology on the counter. I know I did because I opened my billfold to remove $v for cab fare when I got home. The next morning it was gone. I racked my brains to think of what could take happened to it. And then when you lot and I went out to consume that night you had ii $100 bills."
  • Acknowledge your suspicion but be tentative. At this point she knows what you're leading to. You must very quickly restore safety in ii ways: 1) by letting her know you hate this determination—fifty-fifty though yous worry almost information technology; and two) by letting her know if she made a mistake you lot can notwithstanding respect her. "I know this sounds horrible for me to fifty-fifty inquire. Merely can you run across why I'd be wondering? Since I tin't come up with any other explanation about how it could be missing, I decided I needed to talk to yous rather than exit it festering between us. And I desire you to know if you did make a mistake, I've done so in my life as well."
  • Open the dialogue. Now it's her plough. "Did yous—for any reason—have the money from my handbag?" Be prepared for her to be injure and defensive. If she is, exercise not back down. Keep to inquire her to help you lot reconcile the concerns while assuring her all you want to do is piece of work it out.

This is tough, but the costs of not speaking upwards will be much higher than the risks of taking action now. Be humble and honest and you lot'll have done all you lot can. Finally, if you decide to leave, practice so chop-chop and graciously. When you pass up to allow others paint you as a villain, y'all enable them to examine themselves rather than justify their transgressions using your vengeful response.

Best wishes,
Joseph

Author

"If I haven't challenged you, I haven't helped you."

Joseph Grenny is a New York Times bestselling writer, keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for business organization functioning. His work has been translated into twenty-8 languages, is available in thirty-half dozen countries, and has generated results for 3 hundred of the Fortune 500.

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